Bad Medicine Is Not What I Want

Yes, prices at the good ole grocery store have been going up. Since I really only buy the same 15 things each week, I have a pretty good idea of the trends. I do not buy all that much food, so the bill should stay relatively constant. But my order total is not so constant. It can go up depending on what the sale racks are offering me or if it is the week when the somewhat perishable food actually perishes. The cheese, fruit always tend to go around the same time. However, one large contributor is toiletries. That side of the store has the ability to wreck what should be a cheap order. Now that gas prices are higher it doesn’t make sense for me to drive to Wal-Mart to save $1 on 3 items (despite my perpetual longing for an excuse to go there to buy the cheap beef jerky). Everything gets done at the grocery store. And since the post where I broke down my lunch was so well received – let’s go after the toiletries, shall we?

As a male, I really have very few items that I use to prep this sculpture that is known as my body. All told I only use like six things over the course of the day, eight if you count medicine.

The breakdown:
Allergy medicine – not covered by insurance so I take it at the minimum dosage which causes it to last for 2 months instead of one. That is $30 for 2 months, or 50 cents per day.
Heart medicine – I keep telling my doctor I don’t need to take it anymore. He gives me a sly smirk and retorts with “well it isn’t hurting anything, is it?” Every time! The same line. I think I need a new doctor. Oh yeah, it is $7 per month so $0.23 per day.
Bar Soap – I have stepped away from the generic and pay the few extra pennies to partake in the wonderful scent of Dial for Men. Its odoriferous emanations make me feel like I smell less, which I consider a moral victory at least. When not on sale it is $1.88 for 6 bars where each bar lasts about 3 weeks. That is $0.015 per day.
Shampoo – I could use hotel provided soap like the proprietor of this website, however I usually stick to Herbal Essences (have you seen those commercials??? need I say more?). It is $3 per bottle typically and I would say it lasts for 2 months. That is a nickel down the drain each time I wash my tresses.
Conditioner – Please, do you think I am a metrosexual or something? $0.00 per day.
Deodorant – $3 per stick (only bought when on sale). For fiscal implications I shall presume it is applied once per day however this isn’t always accurate. The stick lasts barely a month, so $0.10 a day.
Shaving cream – I buy the foamy stuff so I can look like Santa each morning and “ho, ho, ho” at myself in the mirror. Do not lie and tell me you have not done this at least once in your life. Anyway, these cans last forever. I almost want to tell the company to put less in there. I swear one can lasts at least six months, so let’s go with that for timing. A four dollar can over 180 days is $0.022 per day
Razors – Is this really a toiletry? I don’t know what the official delineation is but I use it in the bathroom so it is going to count. These are crazy expensive, something like $9 for 8 of them – and I only use the moderately expensive ones. They last a month, shorter if I use them to shave my legs (kidding). $0.0375 per day is the damage.
Toothbrush – This is another in the same category. It is a bathroom consumable. But, for some reason they last six months – exactly the amount of time between dentist appointments. Hmm. $0.00
Toothpaste – $1.29 when not on sale and a tube lasts me roughly 2 months when using twice per day means $0.016

Those are the ones I definitively use every day. And here are the ones that are used less frequently (and no, despite my Italian heritage, I am not going to count cologne).
Mouthwash – Probably use 2 litres per year, at $4 per litre equals $0.021
Lotion – I use this more sporadically than I should, usually only when skin starts cracking, but I cannot justify frequently using something that is made from the blubber of baby seals. What else could explain why it is so expensive? I looked at the bottle this morning and it is says that it is “Oatmeal and Shea Butter.” I think it would be a lot cheaper for me to dunk my hands in some of the Quaker’s oats after rubbing some butter on them. Anyway, it is $4.49 for the last bottle that was purchased. I have no idea how long it lasted so I am going with 4 months. That is $0.0374. Good grief – I spend more on lotion than I do on bar soap and toothpaste combined???
Liquid Soap – Speaking of soap, I do have the bottled kind too. One of the Softsoap aromas is the nicest smell on the planet that does not originate from something wearing a bra. I can’t remember which it is right now, but I don’t like buying it anyway because I sit sniffing my hands a lot. That is a good way to end up in a straight jacket, which is really a defnining credo in my life (trying to avoid wearing one). Oh, I have no idea here. Let’s go with six $1 bottles per year since I can’t remember how long it takes to empty those giant refill bottles. $0.016
Air Freshener – This selfless can wages a nearly daily war in the bathrooms of my house. I recently enlisted the help of “Fresh Linens” as he is a lot more effective than “Vanilla Breeze” was. Conservatively, two cans a year at $1.49 per can. A paltry $0.008 spent trying to stave off the enemy is well worth it.

$1.0529 per day – that really does not seem that bad since it includes medicines. Take out my medicine and it is only $0.323 cents per day. The medicine costs $266 a year. Here I thought the outcome of this was going to be cutting back on some toiletries. Instead I guess it is time to stop taking my medicine – daddy needs some new parts for the racecar!

Apothecarically yours,
-Michael

5 thoughts on “Bad Medicine Is Not What I Want

  1. You forgot to add your hair gel. Without the gel you look like a fuzzy bear.

    Don’t be fooled by his anti-metrosexual claim, his current shampoo is a 2- in 1 shampoo and conditioner!

    Like

  2. Criminy, how could I forget my gel. There are Italians rioting all over my stomping grounds in Jersey right now. Gel adds a $0.029 penalty per day, given that I go through 2 giant bottles a year.

    And, it’s not like I wanted the 2-in-1 hair product. I wouldn’t have bought it for me, so it doesn’t count.

    Like

  3. You engineers and your maths.

    Good thing that I work with about a zillion engineers now.

    And, I’m no doctor, but maybe heart meds are something you want to stay on…. just saying. It costs me less then 40cents to keep my sanity, when you think about it, not a bad deal.

    Like

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